Missing Kissing

I love to kiss as much as I love to dance.

The great thing about dancing is I can do it when ever I want and it rarely leads to sex.

You want kissing to be good?  Make it real and don't exploit a partner.

I am a human that enjoys connection on all levels – not just sexually.

How turned on I get is directly connected to how easy I am with you, and how well I trust your ability to connect with me on many levels, along with knowing I can trust you to be honest and sincere with me.

Just so you know, jumping into kissing is not the first thing I am inclined to do upon first meeting, nor is kissing something I aim to do as a check-in to see if I want to tangle my heart strings with another.

Kissing is something I am inclined to desire, after my heart is engaged and trust is present.  The initial urge to kiss may surge many times before I actually kiss someone.  For me, sexual contact needs to be a mutual desire.  It is an intimate expression of love that is reserved for someone I am exploring romantic love with, it is not duplicated in short periods of time with many.

I enjoy loving contact a lot more when my heart is involved.  Going through the motions before I know I can count on someone to be real and honest and forthcoming with me, leads to self hatred – (for following desperate carnal urges before trust is valid).  The deeper need of the moment for me might be tending to my tender heart instead of making a sexy time.

Taking casual connections deeper by kissing sooner than would be easy or natural makes for an emotionally bumpy heart ride for me – one I would rather avoid.

In most cases, kissing well requires a good patient, kind kisser.  Someone conscious and attentive to the moment. (Not someone lodged deep in their imagination about how "hot" a future moment will be – if they can just get their tongue down my throat!).

I love to kiss good kissers.  Are you one?  Will you be a good kisser for me?  I am willing to find out – but not on a first date.  I do not want to have to prove to you I am a good kisser for you to want to meet me.  I might not be a good kisser for you.  I am a connoisseur. I do not usually like to advertise that, it can be off putting to know I value good connections, versus sloppy mediocre ones.  I am a warm-hearted woman, yet I am also very particular and patient.

For a kiss with you to be good for me, I would want to feel love for you, a lot of interest in who you are and what you are about in this life, and I would want to know your behavior is kind towards me.  I would want to feel some sense that who I am appeals to you, (not just as anyone might appeal – if you knew they would let you fuck them).  I would want some kind of trust of your character and your sincerity and honesty that was built on experience – not simply by my imagination or psychic perception.  (I have been wrong on this with others.)  I would want some sense of who you are and who I am to you, before I felt inclined to show you how I kiss, how my lips express love.  Kissing is not the ticket in; it is a gift given.  It is a special shared language of love, that can deeply stir and escalate passion, or kill it in a second – if the moment and participation or attitude is not in harmony or balance.

Kissing (and nearly kissing) is a precious and lovely experience that remains elevated when I am not in a rush to explore it.

For me, innocence and lack of agenda make it delightful.  However if kissing is simply a step to get to an end – I might easily pass.

I do find it odd when guys try to find out if someone is a good kisser – via words on the internet. Kissing and good sexual contact does not happen in a vacuum.  No one is likely to find out if someone is 'good in bed' via email or a phone conversation.  I am only as good as my partner is at any of this – at the time and in the moment with each other.  How I have ever been with another is directly related to my being in love and trust with them.  Those moments and who I was with them is gone. Everything in front of me is new – yet to be explored and discovered.

Anyone can be either great or awful, depending on the situation.  Add love and it is sweet and profoundly special.  Add fear, pressure, reservations to the mix and you are going to get rejected or a watered down version of goodness.

If someone aims to kiss me the first time, before I am ready or feel inclined – and they catch me off guard – they are most likely to get the 'Hollywood' version, (me acting it out trying to avoid acknowledging an awkward moment) – a kiss will either be faked, or I might ham-it-up to discharge awkwardness, or they are going to get the side of my face – to deflect an attempt to kiss when I am not in agreement of sharing that intimacy.

Don't steal kisses and expect them to be good. Learn who someone is, find out what they like, if it matches with what you like, savor it.  Dance with it the possibility of good kisses – when the moment is good and right.  Tempt.  Find ways to be close enough to kiss without kissing.   Use your senses.  Show her it is not a demand, it is an option.  Give her many opportunities, not one passing never again to repeat opportunity!

Breathe near her.  Introduce your breath to her and take in her scents.  Does it appeal to you?  Do your scents appeal to her?  'Cause if it does not, no kissing will repair nor mask what is not appealing to senses.

All you need to do is pay attention.  Be attentive, be kind and be willing to let a kiss move your heart as much as you want it to move your partner's heart.  Be willing be vulnerable.  Be willing to let a tender moment reach you deep inside, (not just zing your genitals!).  Let a kiss awaken your heart and enliven your awareness.  Let a kiss be enough.  Let a kiss be enough and you will likely have many following that one.  Let it be mutual.  Let the desire to kiss be stirred in your partner, (not just in you) and both will enjoy it.

I like kisses to be authentic expressions of care and love.  It is an incredibly intimate experience, not a casual one for me.  Here is a way to gauge authenticity:  Can it easily start and stop at any moment?  If not, something is in the way of it being as good and deep as it can be.  What ever comes up in moments of interrupted loving, shows you, whether a partner is with you – or in their head with an agenda about where they think they want to go - especially if their upset shames or hijacks you.  If you can be up close and personal and at ease with another, and there is gentle kindness in your heart and deep appreciation, then that is a great place to start.  How able we are at any moment to meet in that sweet willing and open place has hundreds of variables that play into the mix.  Be patient, sincere and real: let your needs and desires be known, and leave time and space for the other to respond, to be ready or not ready in any moment.   Know loving is fluid and can change moment to moment depending on the presentation of what genuinely stirs desire, and what kills it.

Before kissing suddenly becomes a test of my willingness and skill, I want to know the person with whom I might fondle tongues.

Deal?

And if I said too much, or it does not match what makes kissing good and real for you...
Ooops too bad, guess we just saved ourselves a lot of displeasure awkwardly not aligning.

If you are willing to take it easy with me, I am willing to meet and get to know you, and discover how we are around each other.  And yes, if energies and who we are work well, you will learn in time if I am a good kisser for you.  I am really OK with being either.

Beyond Pseudo Connecting...

When saying or writing “Hello” alone is just simply NOT enough.

Here: 

I will give you a reasonable recipe for an introduction online or in person.

(And please note: if I must teach you anything about being enough for women to notice you back... it is not sexually alluring for me). Do not count on catching me if I have to teach you how.

Learn this, it is important!
 
Pay attention. If someone is attractive to you, notice them. Note what drew you to them and why.  Notice what might you hope for out of connecting with them. And then notice what they like. There are generally plenty of clues and information available especially in an online profile (or in person, based on how a woman dresses, or carries herself or moves in space, or her expressions flash across her face and what that communicates to you). And all you need to do is guess on something within reason. Identify what draws or interests you, and put that into words in your head (or on a note) so it is handy and you remember.

Introduce yourself with your name as well as revealing some aspect of yourself that is TRUE. Try to come up with something you think they would like or appreciate about you that you can bring forth in your introduction. Be revealing on some enticing level.  

If all you know about yourself are things all the women you have ever known do not like, do not feature those aspects. Take a class or see a counselor until you unveil other aspects of you many women would love so you can speak about them easily – not to brag, to feel confident and inform.

Inform your potential new date what you noticed about them that caught your interest, as well as your guess about something they might enjoy doing or sharing with you, (based on what you noticed about them, and can imagine doing with them) Best to keep it nonsexual in the beginning.  It can be dreamy, fun, and potentially romantic, but not explicitly sexual. Do not know the difference? Discover that too. Think of activities with all clothing remaining intact. At least as a lead-in to getting to know someone.

Include an invitation: Invite them into a conversation, about something you BOTH might like to talk about. Or invite her to do something with you. Maybe not right away, but give the woman something intriguing to potentially look forward to, something you will not need to be badgered to make happen at some later date (no empty offers: do not offer to take them ice skating if that is something no one could ever get you do). Make it specific. Make it something you think they would enjoy doing with you. And you would definitely enjoy. Spell out when and where, make it specific.

Try it.  Try this formula. It is much more productive than an empty, “Hello”.

If you have trouble with the invitation here is a pointer: Dream into all the times you thought to yourself you wish you could share some activity with a special significant other - or have shared that you miss doing with a partner.  Write all that down too, so you have it handy!

Sample Introduction:   “Hi!  My Name is Jeromy, I really like to swing dance. I noticed your graceful flowing movements. You look like you would be a fun dance partner. I would love to take you dancing. Would you like to go dancing with me?”

Does this sound so hard? Too hard to actually do?!?  Come on! Step up and be the MAN, the daring one who is willing to put himself out there first, (with content) not generic as in just a blank “Hello”.  Hello is not enough. It is too shy, and it does not begin a conversation. It is wimpy. Do better. 

Just "Hello" is not a good way to generate interest. It may break the ice, but it is flat, without the bubbles. 


(Not carrying your end of a decent conversation kinda announces to a woman, “I am so broken I cannot begin nor hold a conversation, but I hope you will carry that task for me now and always and still eventually want to fuck me.”) Do not make women take care of you that way. Meet them, entice them toward you with a clear invitation.

What is the worst that could happen?  Someone turns you down. If that happens, no real loss, pick yourself up by your boot straps and find another and try again. Over and over and over, until you get closer and closer to someone who has the patience for who you are and appreciates your attention to detail, and to them enough to respond in a good-natured way. 

You really have nothing but the rest of your romantic life to lose – by not doing enough. 

And not much to lose by trying, except your pride and that needs to be regenerated on a daily basis anyway.

Enough of this ‘too shy to step up’ business, it is not serving you nor anyone, and it makes you look like a BOT to not use someone's name nor anything personal to them when you contact them, or respond to them, or converse with them.

Don't text them twitter size bites about you. And do not speak text them without reading and editing out the typos. Too many of them will be grossly negligent and not impressive. Learn to speak and write again in conscious, deliberate, full sentences.

Be formal. Address them by their name, in the beginning and every time after.  Remind them, you are aware of who they are and that you are speaking in particular to them, not them as a generic anyone.  

And moving forward, ALWAYS respond to at least a few things they mentioned. This helps make it a conversation, versus two people talking at each other spewing unrelated details about life. Connecting with another creates meaning and value. Otherwise it is all too disposable.

There seems to be a lot of BOTS out there, or people ACTING a lot like BOTS.

Woman want to meet men who are interesting and unique, not predictable and wordless (nor too ridiculously lazy to please or enchant a woman).  Those kinda guys are a dime a dozen – bars are full of them... so is Tinder. Those men are so used to getting some kind of action, they no longer court a woman.  

And she is so afraid no one will ever know her or care, she gives in immediately because there might not be another chance at love, so it becomes about sex, empty unfulfilling, never lasting sex, that is about as hollow as only saying "hello."  The alluring intriguing question is not simply, "fuck?"

Be different.  Care and show it. Be attentive and show it. It will put you a cut above. A huge cut above.

The odd thing is, I suspect men are missing is feeling love. And they need to discover it does not come from getting laid. It comes from building a loving relationship that fulfills the heart. Lead with care not your genital's desire.

Let me know how it goes.

If I my counsel about this, toasted any or all your interest in me by spelling this basic aspect out. That's OK. Go try it on someone else, better suited to you.

I am a stickler. My tolerance for pseudo connecting is thin.